Is how old you are right at this moment, of course.
It’s likely you are also the wisest you’ve ever been, and the most experienced.
But what about the strongest, the most durable, the most resilient, the most courageous?
So much of how we experience today comes from the stories we tell ourselves.
Be careful not to talk yourself out of your potential
Three years ago, we did some work in the garden behind our house to address some drainage issues. This included moving a large, healthy green spire euonymus to an open corner to provide a bit of screening.
The gardener told us that the eunomyus is a resilient plant and it would transplant well.
In the first year, it lost half of its leaves, and looked sickly all spring, summer and fall.
In the second year, it was shedding fewer leaves, but it still looked like it wasn’t going to make it.
And this spring, it’s turned the corner. It’s not as big as it used to be, but it’s clearly strong and healthy again, the leaves are a deep green and shiny, and the plant looks healthy. Here it is.
We often take “resilience” to mean that we will be unaffected by hard things, but that’s not how it works.
Resilience is the ability to withstand hard things, to suffer and experience damage, and to still manage to come out the other side intact.
We are all, the world over, in the midst of living through a very hard, tragic thing. We have all suffered and we will all continue to suffer.
That we suffer does not mean that we are not strong, that we are not resilient.
We are all these things and more, and we have what it takes to get through this.
Anyone can splash around and follow a recipe.
Good cooks have the presence of mind to keep mentally ahead, to anticipate and stay calm, and to react quickly and smoothly when things go awry.
If you and your team can move through the chaotic moments with this kind of mastery, you’ll get much more than good immediate results.
You’ll give your people the chance to know what it feels like to remain fluid and present in the heat of the moment, to do great feats and stick the landing all without breaking a sweat.
That builds a confidence for the next round that’s like lightning in a bottle.
I’ve always found it off the mark – in places like Pakistan or Israel or anywhere there is repeated violence as part of civilian life – to laud the “resilience” of everyday people in continuing to live their lives in the face of tragedies.
The day before yesterday, on Tuesday night at 6:20pm, seven people died when an MTA commuter train slammed into a Mercedes SUV that was inexplicably stopped on the train tracks, even though the guard gates were down. The woman driving the car, Ellen Brody, was killed as were five passengers in the front car of the train.
The accident happened on the train line I take every day, around the time I usually ride home, about five miles north of where I get off the train.
Yesterday, thirteen hours after the accident, I trudged to my train stop to go to work. People are mostly silent on the platform on winter mornings, and it was as quiet as ever. Eerily, though no one was saying anything, about 2/3rds of the people who usually wait for the first car of the train weren’t standing in their everyday spots.
Once on the train, I talked with some of the passengers around me about what had happened. Mostly, though, people were quiet, reading their papers or their books, maybe shaken on the inside, but having what appeared to be a normal morning.
When I got to Grand Central Station, the only indication that anything had happened was this announcement on the train’s schedule board. No acknowledgment of what had happened, no words of condolences or solidarity with the victims.
Even when things are this close to home, we can block them out and avoid the proximity. I’d been shaken by this tragedy, but it took this description in a New York Times article to make my stomach clench up and allow me to see myself in that front car of the train.
One witness, Chris Gross, appearing on ABC’s “Good Morning America,” said that he had been watching a Mel Brooks movie in the front car when suddenly the train was jolted.
“People started falling over each other,” he said. He was tossed into the aisle and saw flames, and he heard a man in front of him screaming.
“I turned over and looked,” Mr. Gross said. The man in front of him “lost his leg below his knee.”
In the chaos, he said, a man who had burns on his hands managed to pull the emergency latch so they could escape.
The man with the burns, Mr. Gross said, plunged his hands in the snow, hoping for some relief.
Today, on the train home, the same group of guys is playing bridge like they do every day in this car. As they wrap up their game, they talk about the twist in the road, what happened with the driver of the Jeep, how such a thing could have happened. But the conversations are clipped, and there aren’t many of them. People might be thinking about the victim’s families, or feeling especially grateful for good health, safety, and the chance to hug their kids tonight.
But resilient? No, I’m not feeling or seeing resiliance. I feel shaken and a little bit numb, like going on with my day and my life was at best a neutral choice, not a display of courage.
